Look into my eyes

Look into my eyes
the windows to my soul.
See past the lies
through these two dark holes.
You just look at my finger and you are shocked.
Please look into my eyes and you'll understand
the plot.
What do you see through these two sockets that
are hollow?
What do you see through these sunken sockets of
sorrow?
Tell me! Tell me! What do they show?
Can you see the redness from all the crying?
Can you see the pain from all the inner fighting?
Look deeper past these wet glasses of flesh.
Look straight through “what a violent mess!”
There's a battle raging can't you see?
Two forces fighting for this soul....
Which is ME!
Scarred, mutilated, tormented!
This! This! Must be ended!
These windows must be closed and boarded up.
My finger is ready and you can't look up.
This body will rot and become dust.
But this soul, will it die? It must! It must!
Time for the final act of this tragedy;
click, BANG? end of story.

Ahmad Desai

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Name	Comment	Date
Erna	Very passionate and powerful writing that clearly communicates the feelings of a person about to commit suicide – but as a poem, it still looks like a first draft. It can do with some honing: get the metre right; it can lose some words (and even whole lines) to make it more subtle; check the metaphors (wet glasses of flesh??) and the punctuation needs careful thought (e.g. - why is there a question mark after BANG? Perhaps click, bang, end of story. would underline the pathos, and be an even better final line?)	2006-12-04