The Wait

It is as if my heart has been wrapped in barbed wire,
Piercing, ripping, torturing my soul.
It is as if the heavens themselves have begun to conspire,
to let me sink into this dark blistering hole.
Every time you drift further,
it is as if that terrible twisted wire,
Is slowly being plucked from my heart.
And as the distance between us grows further apart,
It leaves behind horrible burning scars.
My soul screams with every pull.
All you can see are eyes which are full
of salty tears
and a face shrunken with the fear
of not having you here.
It's funny but even this piercing pain has a
pleasure in it.
I love you and I just can't bear it.
You're going....I know it's too late.
I look up to the heavens....
I know it's fate.
But I don't know if I can survive the wait.

Ahmad Desai

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Name	COMMENT	date
Erna	Don't overwhelm your reader with your emotions. Don't overstate things- keep it subtle. The first draft of a poem is where we let it all hang out. We just get the raw feelings down on paper. Then comes the editing: we sand away the rough corners, and lovingly, patiently polish the work. Think of a poem as a concentrate: all the extra has been boiled away, and you are left with the essence. Take away every word you can possibly do without. After you've "trimmed away the fat", you work with what's left, and move the words around a bit. Here’s the essence of your poem as I see it: The Wait Your leaving pierced my heart, draws long, slow scars. My wounds don't heal. Is this pain, this death pleasure, too? It still has the same message as the first version, but now there’s room for the reader to draw his/her own conclusions. Too much emotion shuts out the reader.	2007.01.20