To Pea or not to Pee
Green Room Gossip
By (Sir) C.E.S.S. Poole
Your honorary knighted Thespian.
The art of performing in a drama broadcast on the wireless, or steam radio as
it was affectionately called in the sixties, is
unfortunately gone. The skills displayed by Sir John Gielgud,
Sir Larry, Sir Ralph and many other of my fellow knighted Thespians are
possibly lost forever. Our American cousins also contributed to this now dying
art. The great Orson Welles' radio production of The
War of the Worlds in 1938 had thousands of listening public rushing to their
local shops to stock up on baked beans as they believed the Martians were
landing. More recently Robert de Niro, Sam Shepard
and Al Pacino have displayed their talent in radio
dramas.
But unfortunately today most radio stations across the globe broadcast either
music, news or phone-in chat shows around the clock. The latter - the Talk
stations - now bombard our ears with a style similar to the recently created
Reality TV channel and the bizarrely popular Jerry Springer show. The highly
talented presenters invite the listening public to air their clean and dirty
linen on the airwaves twenty four hours a day.
The use of the thespian skills of the jobbing actor in the field of radio have
slowly diminished since the mid-seventies. Acting on the radio required the
fine tuning of the actor's most valued asset - his voice. The art of moving on
and off the microphone to convey a sense of distance; the half covering of the
mouth to create a whispered aside; the close-on-mike purred delivery for the
intimate bedroom scene. All these practiced tricks of the trade have been lost.
Or have they?
Nowadays instead of gently delivering the classic romantic line, "But soft
what light through yonder window breaks?" many highly trained and
versatile actors are asked to croon softly into the mike and utter such
wonderful lines of dialogue like, "Zinophay
Shampoo gently caresses your hair from root to tip."
This bastardisation of the art of radio acting is called "Doing a voice
over". Many jobbing actors across the globe have been enticed by the lure
of the green backs to hire their voices to advertising agencies. I too fell to
the smell of money but being a crafty old sod I endeavored
to kill two birds with one stone. I was determined to fill my wallet and my
"Toddie" at the same time.
For thirteen years of my life I extolled the almost non-existent virtues of a
larger which stood the test of time. It was during this time that I became au
fait with the jargon of the advertising agencies. It was a gradual learning
curve as I began to understand the difference between a copywriter and an
artistic director, between an executive director and an account executive,
between the client and the client's marketing manager, between a client
executive consultant advisor and Tom, Dick, Harry and all.
Unlike working either on film or on the stage, where the actor has to follow
the careful guidance of his one and only boss, the director, - in the
loneliness of his sound proofed booth the voice artist has to deal with
sometimes seven or eight directors. And this number can double if members of
the product's creative brand imaging team are also present in the studio.
Nobody in the world of advertising or product marketing seems to appreciate that
in the creative world of theatre or film there is no place for democracy. The
director is a dictator. I don't think that Mr. Speilberg
held a four hour meeting with his writer, his cameraman, his actor, his
creative technical supervisor and his underarm deodorant supplier before he
shouted, "Print that one!" as ET said, "Go-home."
The legendary Orson Welles had such a confrontational
meeting with a team of semi creative minds when he was asked to do a voice over
for some frozen peas in 1978. Orson at this stage of his life was not a small
man in mass or temperament and for an over sixteen stone man
to be confined in one and a half square metres of space can only be described
as uncomfortable.
The line he was asked to deliver was "The New Fresh Frozen Garden
Pea." He delivered four "takes", sat back, lit up a cigar and
waited. Through the glass he watched the menagerie of Ad agency and product
marketers discuss his readings. "Mr. Welles,
could you possibly try a heavier stress on the word new." Piped up creative brain number one. "Sure thing", and he obliged. "I'm sorry Mr. Welles, go for the fresh." Said the
marketing manager. He obliged. "I'm really sorry Mr. Welles, could you try the stress on Garden,” asked the
customer services manager. He obliged. "Would you mind if we tried it on
Frozen and Fresh.", asked the bespectacled
managing director of the frozen pea company. He obliged. "I really, really
am sorry Mr. Welles but could you possibly
try.......".
"I'm sorry too," he quickly injected, "but I need to take a
pee!"
He walked out of the studio and was never seen again.
Till we meet again, don't know where, don't know when...........
(Sir) Cecil Edward Steven Simon Poole signing off till next
month.
Ron
Smerczak
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|
Name |
Comment |
Date |
|
James Tobias |
I would really like to see
writings from Ron and not his highbrow sidekick. |
2008-02-17 |
|
Erna |
Movie buffs of all
ages have surely heard of Orson! Oh, Rosebud! He was a pioneer in filmographic
techniques – a legend as director and actor! I guess Ron’s target audience is
probably us over 50s… why not? Some young people under 45 (albeit
rather eccentric ones) are still mad about Jeeves
& Bertie Wooster. I love Sir Cess. I would love
to meet him in person. I’d even feed him and give him a cigar so he’d settle
back on my settee and regale the family with his reminiscences. I’d water his
drinks, though, or he’d nod off, I imagine. And I imagine that he’d be
difficult to get off my settee, too – he might move in and stay forever… I
doubt whether his agent will ring and offer him a job any time soon! Points 4 |
2008-02-17 |
|
Louis Harris |
Ron, I was in stitches at the end.
|
2008-02-23 |