Virtue of the child Am I wrong for being here? Who can answer me? I am young yet besieged Where's my virtue I'm raped, I'm voiceless I'm consigned in darkness I'm in of warmness I'm crying out for love shell Mama is busy working Papa is busy gulping ale Mama sees no pain in me Mama doesn't know me Mama is besotted by money Mama lacks safety Mama know no one but money Mama is blinded by money Do I have to repay her deeds? I'm crying for my innocence If I were in mama's womb The place was warm, I was loved I was cared for, I was fed I was precious to mama If I were never conceived If I were never human Why me Where's my virtue? Why am I a girl to mama? Yet a woman to papa I'm just an innocent child I demand my virtue. I am an innocent child.

Virtue of the child (revised) Am I wrong for being here? Who can answer me? I am young yet besieged. Where's my virtue? I'm raped, I'm voiceless. I'm consigned to darkness. I'm far from warmth. I'm crying out for a love shell. Mama works Papa drinks Mama sees no pain in me Mama doesn't know me Mama is besotted by money Mama grants no safety Mama knows nothing but money, is blinded by money. Do I have to repay her? I'm crying for my innocence. Were I in mama's womb - The place was warm, I’d be loved cared for fed, precious. If I were never conceived If I were never human… Why me? Where's my virtue? Why am I a girl to mama Yet a woman to papa? I'm just an innocent child I demand my virtue. I am an innocent child.

Ntombizonke Mehlomakulu

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Name	Comment	Date
Erna	Moving poem, deeply felt. Needs a bit of polishing, examples: Use of correct preposition I'm consigned to darkness Correct concord Mama knows no one but money Punctuation Why am I a girl to mama, Yet a woman to papa? These lines are not clear: I'm in of warmness I'm crying out for love shell and Mama lacks safety (is Mama herself not safe, or does she not provide safety?) I suggest that you try to re-write this poem, using half the number of words. See if you can “tighten” it. Example: Instead of Mama is busy working Papa is busy gulping ale How about Mama works. Papa drinks. Hope to see your re-write soon! Points 2	2008-01-03
James Tobias	Very emotional piece of poetry. Well done. Some work to do in the polishing department, but I won’t duplicate the above. Points 2 - This writing needs a bit of editing and/or re-writing	2008-01-03
Louis Harris	Ntombi - a great effort.  I always tell my writers to play with their poetry.  Wash the words, strangle them, create new images, give them medical attention, kick some out, add some in.  That's the magic in poetry.  When the piece is perfect, the magic will let you know.  Respect Points 2 - This writing needs a bit of editing and/or re-writing	2008-01-03
Mandy	I agree with Erna, it would be good if you tightened your poem. Do not be afraid to shed words. Try and use as few words as possible and make every word count. Points 2 - This writing needs a bit of editing and/or re-writing	2008-01-04
Erna	Good job! Less is more! Points 3 – Promising!	2008-01-11
Mandy	Your revised version is much tighter. Well done and good for you that you accepted the feedback we gave you and worked with it. Please remember one thing about writing poetry - no word should be there unless it has a purpose Points 3 - Very promising piece of writing	2008-01-12
Ron	As always when I read poetry I read it out aloud. The revision definitely works better. There is a sense of rhythm. I sense that you should work more on the rhythm to force the speaker/reader to reach the climax of "I am an innocent child." Look at the central section and try to make one-word lines that will create a pounding beat. Then soften it with the verse. Just a thought. Points 3 - Very promising piece of writing	2008-02-05