Wish for Love ... Just Love

I'm still waiting for the day we will meet,
True Love, just damn Love nothing else! With no deceit.
Just Love! Love! That's all I want! Give it to me while I still stand on my feet.
Let me get Love and feel it like the resonance of a drum's beat.

Dear God! Why can't something just be what we need.
People try telling the truth, it's a pity feelings aren't a book one can read.
My want is damn equal with my dire need!
Give me love while I can still bleed.

Why don't I reap what I sow?
I love yet like a farmer in drought, my crops don't grow.

Hell! If Love was a light, I've never even received a faint glow.
Give me Love while what I want is something I still know.
Why the hell is something so much the opposite of what it seems?
I'm still searching in hope like a pipe-dreamer with broken dreams.
My heart is filled with futile gleams.
Give me love while my sombre face can still don happy beams.

I've waited all my life for a change of circumstances.
I searched all my life through Love's tree - I climbed all the branches.
I've been optimistic all my life about Love's fatal penetrating lances.
Give me Love while I'm still willing to take chances.

Hope is human nature's specialty.
Too bad we cannot wish ourselves to reality.

Siyaduma Noël Biniza

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Name	Comment	Date
Erna	I identify wholly with the ideas you’re expressing here! “Yes… I’ve been there, I know that!” is my response to every line of your poem. As a poem, however, it is still pretty rough around the edges. In places, the rhyming seems forced: “…futile gleams. … don happy beams.” The rest of your poem is in “normal” English, whereas a face that “dons beams” belongs to another era’s English, a different style. And, generally, your rhythm needs attention. Some places you’ve got too many words, others too few. Below is an example. I have made the natural “beat” syllables bold: I'm still waiting for the day we will meet, True Love, just damn Love nothing else! With no deceit. Just Love! Love! That's all I want! Give it to me while I still stand on my feet. Let me get Love and feel it like the resonance of a drum's beat. Now let’s try something else: I’m waiting, still, for the day we will meet, True Love, just Love! With no damn deceit - Just Love! That’s all! While I’m still on my feet, A love I can feel like a resonant beat. I think it was Ezra Pound who said that music should never wander too far from the dance, nor poetry from the song. Points 2 – Needs a bit of editing	2007-12-29
James Tobias	Good pointers from Erna. It is as important to read and crit other people’s work as to submit your own. That is when a writer learns the mechanics of the various disciplines. I felt sorry for the person in this poem, expecting love to come to him/her. True love is in giving - the rewards will return 10 fold. Points 2 - This writing needs a bit of editing and/or re-writing	2007-12-29
Louis Harris	Siyaduma, the most wonderful thing about poetry is that every time a piece is rewritten, it gets better and better.  I play with my poetry.  There are pieces written four years ago that I rewrite every now and then to get it to perfection.  I guess there are poets out there who write perfection first time, but they are a rare species.  You have a wonderful talent, it comes through in the words you use, just be careful of allowing the poet (you) to interfere with the idea.  I agree with both Erna and James, and Erna has pinpointed exactly where the poet interferes with his work to the extent that it becomes over-indulgent.  The poet needs to use words economically to convey beauty, or pathos, tragedy and love.  The writer of novels must do the same, and so it is with essayists and song writers.  The secret lies in the economy of words.  I look forward to reading the rewrite. Well done - your words got me thinking about love and hurt, the pain and sorrow. Respect Points 2 - This writing needs a bit of editing and/or re-writing	2007-12-30