i see a man

i see the knobkierie he once held proudly
i see the red striped white blanket ,
i see those dry feet that curled violently as he felt the assegai and
i see those dry lips that say indeed, he didn’t even get that last sip
of water.
i see that face still filled with pride for even as he died he
whispered "at least i am a man"
i see, i see a man...

tiyo kakaza

(Written for a friend. May God bless him, thula mtano mtanam' ubudoda
bunzima)

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Name	Comment	Date
Erna	I felt it – you managed to get your feelings through to me. Spelling: Knopkierie – Afrikaans Knobkerrie – English (strange but true). Is the use of lower-case-only your signature style? Just wondering. A capital letter here and there, used judiciously, is sometimes a good idea. I’m concerned that you’ll overdo the lower-case-only eventually, and then it will no longer be striking. Maybe. But then, e.e.cummings used no capitals… (or is it cummins? I forget) One word jarred me: dry feet that curled violently Could you find a better word? “Curl” and “violent” cancel each other out. Curl is too “soft”. How about coiled? Twisted? Bent? Gripped? In fact – I think you should leave out the “violently” altogether. Adverbs should be avoided. Use a strong verb to get your meaning across. Let’s see: i see those dry feet that gripped as he felt the assegai and i see those cracked lips that say cracked instead of repeating dry…? No, I like the repetition. It is actually the rest of that line that does not quite work yet. Too many words. That line falls flat, loses its power. See if you can fix it… or just leave it out altogether? How about: i see those dry feet that gripped as he felt the assegai and i see those dry lips that say "i am a man" and i see that proud, still face. i see, i see a man... Points 3 – very, very promising!	2008-01-04
James Tobias	I quite liked this poem even though it is half-baked. I think if you let it stew for a month or so and keep going back to it - it will come out great. Points 3 - Very promising piece of writing	2008-01-05
Mandy	I liked your poem, Tiyo. It certainly captures the moment. I would like you to pay attention to your rhythm. By losing words you can often improve your rhythm e.g. 'I see the knobkerrie once proudly held I see the red striped blanket' Points 3 - Very promising piece of writing	2008-01-13
Ron	I loved this poem. But please excuse my edited version pasted below. I always read poetry out loud. It is written for the voice. My editing is based on how I want my ears to hear your thoughts. Observe the odd full stop. I hope when this is posted that it comes out the way I spaced it. Blank spaces give room for thought. Well done! i see a man i see the knobkierie once held proudly i see the red striped white blanket i see those dry feet that curled violently as he felt the assegai. i see those dry lips that say indeed he didn't even get that last sip of water. i see that face still filled with pride for even as he died he whispered "at least i am a man". i see, i see a man... Points 4 - Pretty close to perfect. I was captivated	2008-01-30