Black Beautiful Girls

Black beautiful girls - your future lies in your hands
Black beautiful girls, I watch you as you go wild

Running like headless chickens at shebeens
Drinking like there's no tomorrow
Running after wealthy eligible black males
Wearing scanty clothes, flaunting flesh

Black beautiful girls carrying those fatherless children on your backs
Black beautiful girls turning your bodies into rubbish bins
Black beautiful girls, blind - you miss the opportunities

Black beautiful girls - I'm telling it as it is.


Black beautiful girls, why so promiscuous?
Black beautiful girls - AIDS is no game

Black beautiful girls, education is your inheritance
Praiseworthy more than the life you enjoy.
Richness comes from within.
You black beautiful girls - opportunity is work

You black beautiful girls - sight those unsighted eyes and work
I'm telling you as it has been told before


AIDS kills; shebeens won't provide you with opportunity
Night clubs will destroy your values;
Those black eligible males will crush your persona

Those skilled males you’re after made it for themselves


Explore and discover education
Black beautiful girls, nice time is endless
Black beautiful girls we still say:
We educate you, we educate a nation


Black beautiful girls, this is your chance, grab it!

 

Ntombizonke Mehlomakulu

 

To add your comment for the above revised version of No inheritance is as rich as honesty, please scroll down to the end of the first version of the poem

 

Name

Comment

Date

Erna

Good work! You’ve done a lot with the feedback you’ve received, and this makes the Writescapes website worthwhile.

 

I believe that your new version can still be trimmed further. There’s a saying: “The nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat.” What else can you cut? What else can you simplify?

 

For instance, instead of telling:

“Running after wealthy eligible black males”

Try showing:

“Running after brothers with big cars”

 

These lines are too “preachy” and do not match the tone of the rest:

 

“Black beautiful girls, education is your inheritance
Praiseworthy more than the life you enjoy.
Richness comes from within.”

 

…and I struggle to get your meaning here:

 

“opportunity is work”

 

Points: 3 Very promising!

2008-02-21

James

Much better, but there is still room to cut the amount of words.

I still say remove all reference to colour. This will enable you to broaden your audience as well as cut the number of words.

Getting there.

2008-02-22

Ron

Passion, drive, and to the point. I have several friends (back male) who observe what you see. Please feel free to chop and muck about with my work like I have done with yours.  Trim, cut, find a rhythm! You have the basis of a great poem/song. I sense/read/feel the passion. Well done. Work on it.

Black beautiful girls - your future lies in your hands
Black beautiful girls, I watch you as you go wild

(BBG - your future lies
BBG - you go wild)

Running like headless chickens at shebeens
Drinking like there's no tomorrow
Running after wealthy eligible black males
Wearing scanty clothes, flaunting flesh

(Headless chickens at shebeens
Drink flows like no tomorrow
Wealthy males flaunting flesh)

Black beautiful girls carrying those fatherless children on your backs
Black beautiful girls turning your bodies into rubbish bins
Black beautiful girls, blind - you miss the opportunities

(BBG - fatherless children on your back
BBG - rubbish bins
BBG - you are blind
BBG - I tell it
As it is.)

Black beautiful girls - I'm telling it as it is.

Black beautiful girls, why so promiscuous?
Black beautiful girls - AIDS is no game

Black beautiful girls, education is your inheritance
Praiseworthy more than the life you enjoy.
Richness comes from within.
You black beautiful girls - opportunity is work

You black beautiful girls - sight those unsighted eyes and work
I'm telling you as it has been told before

AIDS kills; shebeens won't provide you with opportunity
Night clubs will destroy your values;
Those black eligible males will crush your persona

Those skilled males you're after made it for themselves

Explore and discover education
Black beautiful girls, nice time is endless
Black beautiful girls we still say:
We educate you, we educate a nation

Black beautiful girls, this is your chance, grab it!

Points 3 - Very promising piece of writing

2008-02-23

 

No inheritance is as rich as honesty

 

I'm trying to put these words together.
Black beautiful girls your future lies in your hands
Black beautiful girls I watch you as you go wild

Run like headless chickens at shebeens
Drinking like there's no tomorrow
Getting into these so called high classes male's fleshy cars
Wearing scanty clothes flaunting some flesh

Black beautiful girls carrying those fatherless children on your backs
Black beautiful girls turning your bodies into rubbish bins
Black beautiful girls blind so much that you miss the opportunities

Black beautiful girls I'm telling it as it is.
Black beautiful girls why so promiscuous
Black beautiful girls AIDS is no game

Black beautiful girls, education is your inheritance
The inheritance that is so wealthy
Praiseworthy more than the life you enjoy
Richness comes from within
You black beautiful girls opportunity is work

You black beautiful girls' sight those unsighted eyes and work
I'm telling you as it have been told before
AIDS kills; shebeens won't provide you with opportunity
Night clubs will destroy your values;
Those high class males BEE will crush your persona

Those BEE males you after, made it for themselves
Explore and discover education
Black beautiful girls, nice time is endless
Black beautiful girls we still say
We educate you, we educate a nation
Black beautiful girls this is your chance, grab it!

 

Ntombizonke Mehlomakulu

 

 

Your comments will be appreciated. Please take a few moments to submit them here

Please use the back-button on your browser to return to the submissions page, or click Home

 

 

Name

Comment

Date

Erna

Wish those BBGs would HEED your words! They could turn the country around!

 

As a rallying call, as a sermon, as a bracing cheerleader’s shout – this piece of writing works. It is passionate! It is true! But as poetry, to be read in private (even when I read it aloud) it needs some work before it stands alone.

 

I would start the edit by making the title:

 

Black Beautiful Girls

 

Points 2

2008-02-14

James

The poem has such potential.

What I find frustrating is the writer continues to submit work that is half-baked, despite advice on how to improve.

It is not enough to read other writers’ work. You must crit it, dissect it, then and only then will your own writing improve.

Would it make any difference to the piece if you dropped the words black..... if not, drop them, and let the reader decide who he/she has in their mind's eye.

Points 2 - This writing needs a bit of editing and/or re-writing

2008-02-15

Ginny Swart

The repeated alliteration of black, beautiful works quite well.. the writer is getting really angry at all the lost opportunities and stupid actions of these girls... certainly comes across as an honest and heartfelt call to change their ways.

Points 2 - This writing needs a bit of editing and/or re-writing

2008-02-17

Louis

Very forceful poem.  It has substance.  It has potential.  The words mean so much, making the poem contemporary and informative.  However, the poem lectures. 
I don't know so much if that's such a bad thing, but to me, a poem needs to be entertaining, thoughtful, graceful and meaningful. 

In your first line you say,
"I'm trying to put these words together."
I would remove this line completely. It is of no relevance to the poem, only to you.

Try to remove Black beautiful girl. If you do as James suggests, you'll find the first two stanza's flow remarkably well.  And why should it be only BBG's? - WG's should also receive this universal message.
The following line might need revision.
Getting into these so called high classes male's fleshy cars

The poem, as much as it has substance, didn't move me.  If I were a BBG I would cringe at the idea that more work means less time to contract aids. 

But, here's another meaning...the narration is dipped in fear. I say that because as much as the message is aimed at BBG's, I wondered if the message isn't also aimed at the men who stay at home?

Just some thoughts.

Points 2 - This writing needs a bit of editing and/or re-writing

2008-02-18