the I

the eye looking searching, seeing, everything, everyday.
in front of me, behind me, beside me, and even within ME.
its a vulture waiting. waiting. waiting.
for
   my
      long
           fall 
               down
they say its there for my OWN good
but it will never allow me to be my OWN  person
for even as i write this poem...
its behind me watching, changing, everything, forever.

Tiyo Kakaza

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Name	Comment	Date
Erna	Tiyo, I am very impressed with your writing. The format of the-long-fall-down is so clever – I like the pictorial expression of the thought. I feel that the capital ME at the end of the second line is not necessary (or the OWN… OWN later). If you restrain your emotions in a poem, it actually builds up the pressure. Keep a tight reign on your very powerful horse – I mean, your emotions are VERY powerfully felt. If you keep them under control in your writing, they’ll be there, under the surface, and your reader will sense them, like a smouldering volcano. If you let them out, it makes the writing fizzle. Less is more. Spelling: they say it’s there for my own good it’s a vulture waiting You need the apostrophe for it is, but not for the possessive case (the cat licked its paws), where you usually do use the apostrophe. English is confusing! Any English teachers out there to contradict me? I’d have left a line open after the long fall down and used a capital They, to signify a slight change of pace and tone. Consider leaving a line open above ”it’s a vulture waiting.” Points: 4	2007-12-10
Louis	I enjoyed this piece because it caused me to look over my shoulder.  It got a reaction out of me.  Free form poetry\prose, may seem simple to write and master, but it must also follow rules of harmony to make it perfect. I found a pattern, and that's first class.  But in the pattern I found that you need not capitalise ME or OWN.  Otherwise, a good piece that with time, I expect will shine.  But you need to work on it. 3 Points	2007-12-09
Ron	I always judge a poem by reading it out loud. Well done, it moved my I too. Try another from the bright side. Points 3 - Very promising piece of writing	2007-12-13